The sun breaks through the clouds on a chilly spring day. 400 screaming voices can be heard through plumes of smoke. Forms emerge slipping and sliding down the snowy mountain.

The Tough Mudder has begun.

We climb up and down the mountain accomplishing great feats of human futility. We test our bodies, minds and souls. Pushing our bodies to the edge, then forcing them to jump off.

And we pay for it.

All in all it was an amazing day. The weather was perfect, my family, friends, and teammates were all in great spirits and to the best of my knowledge none of us have any lasting injuries from the day.

Speaking of injuries, we all have our own individual reasons for doing the Tough Mudder, but one unifying goal of all of the participants is to raise money for the Wounded Warrior Project
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Non of our injuries from today will change our lives, but these men and women sacrificed a lot for us and our country. If you can give a little something back, please do.

You can skip below to the pictures or enjoy my recounting of the individual obstacles below.

Thank you to Jeanne for taking the great photos and putting up with my insanity; Kim and Terri for getting me to participate; and thank you to the rest of the Muddy Buddies team for all the support. Most of all thank you AJ and Zach for reminding me that I could die.

Without further ado:

1. Braveheart Charge – We start a short descent down the mountain screaming like rabid jackals and turn back up for our first of many climbs snow and ice making running downhill on the mountains so nice. Slipping and sliding, not so much running.

2. The Guantlet – after charging down the snow and ice turn around and head back up and back down again. the 3 inches of mud from all the precipitation the preceding days made this very muddy and slippery.

3. Death March – much more difficult than last year due to the mud and rain. Not to mention lack of training from stupid foot injury.

4. Sweaty Yeti – no walking through the ice this year -cargo nets make sure you stay close to the ground while crawling over ice and snow walking upright will result in failure.

5. Devil’s Beard – guess they made a last minute decision to move some stuff around. this was down at the log bog instead.

The 1 mile marker mocks you. It laughs at your pain

18. Greased Lightening – it could be all the obstacles are confusing me, but I could have sworn this was going to be after 17 and before 19. slide down the black tarp into the cold pool of water. Rocks suck.

6. Cliff Hanger – even though they removed it from the online map, it still exists. Amazing how much easier it is when the temperature is in the mid 50′s. Important side note: easier does not equal easy, especially in wet clothes. Many dead bodies are strewn across the windswept mountainside.

“Water station ahead people. Don’t fret. You can do it. Keep going mudders!”

7. Berlin Walls – you weren’t tired from that climb are you? Up and over 3 walls. 12 ft tall with a 1″ foothold 1 ft off the ground. Last year I failed miserably on this one. But not this year! I made it over all three. Thank you pushups!

8. Boa Constrictor – much shorter than last year, but two of them. The wooden tunnels meet in the middle separated by 2 feet of water. The tunnels were also partially full with mud and rocks. While waiting for my team someone asked if I was OK and I looked down to a red leg. Only a small cut above knee. My first blood donation of the day.

9. Log Bog Jog – Time for some running – mostly downhill and flat – 2-3 miles through the woods. A lot of mud, roots, rocks and slippery terrain.

About an hour and 20 minutes in so far and only 3 miles? Something doesn’t feel right. How the hell was that only 3 miles.

10. Blood Bath – Hot `n` Spicy – take a bite of a habanero pepper and jump into the red food colored icy water. To make sure it stays icy there was a nice gentleman continually dropping in 50 lb bags of ice.

Muddy Buddies!

10.5 – We get to run around the lake for the rest of the Log Bog Jog, but wait, first you need to go over another 12ft wall. – Sweet. made this one as well without much struggle. How was last year so damn hard and this year not? If you aren’t doing upper body work you should really start.

Aquaman, Green Lantern & speed racer passed us briefly here. Love seeing people in costume out on the course. Running horizontally on a hill was so much more annoying than running up or down.

10.7 – Devil’s Beard – take 2? While not mentioned on the map there was a climb under cargo nets here. I took out at least 2 people when I lost my footing, hit my head and slid down the hill.

10.9 – Up and over some PVC pipes. It kind of looks like a giant black ladderball set, but muddy, wobbly and slippery as baby oil on linoleum. These are about 10 feet high. As if to prove how slippery these really are the large man in front of me falls off the top one crashing hard to the ground.

11. Walk the Plank! – 15 feet high jump into icy water – standing on the precipice thinking about the cold is not the right way to motivate yourself to jump. as I sat and contemplated death the military man next to me yelled “Jump” I replied “I need that guy to move” he yelled “Jump” I persisted that I might land on that guy “JUMP” I jumped.
I didn’t land on the bald guy. I landed in black frozen death. My lungs seized, my body went into survival mode and I instinctively swam for the surface. The confusion and panic was overwhelming. Seeing daylight was only a slight relief as my muscles tightened and screamed against my feeble attempts at swimming. I kept on moving and used everything I had to get to the beach. Many people were getting pulled to the beach. I was glad I didn’t need it.
Back on dry land. Dry land isn’t that much of a blessing when you are soaking wet and frozen. There was water to drink and foil to wrap yourself in. I skipped the foil and drank the water and started moving to get warm.

The movement was short lived as we got stuck at the next obstacle -
12. Twinkle Toes – The line at this obstacle was pretty long. They were announcing you could skip by swimming through the lake. I grabbed someone’s foil off the ground and decided to wait it out.
There was a guy in front of me that was the most awful shade of blue. He looked like a junky coming down with the shakes. His buddy kept asking if he was OK. That guy was not OK.
Neither were the 6 or 7 people that fell trying to cross the unbalanced balance beam. The face plants were glorious and painful to watch.

Finally after 10 minutes it was my chance to try and make it. I got lucky enough that the other 3 boards were all occupied by giant zebras. I never would imagine that 3 zebras and an overweight runner could all make it.

13. Ball Shrinker – same as last year, just colder. The ropes sag so much that walking across isn’t a valid option. I did pose for a “what it should look like” photo

14. Cool Runnings – After the ball shrinker I was eager to start running again. I desperately needed some blood flowing through my legs again. I skipped the foil wrap and headed back into the mountains for a 4 mile run, uphill.
Lots of people walking – on your right, on your left, excuse me. The rocks were slippery and extremely dangerous for anyone who was unlucky enough to be born with ankles.

15. Mud Mile -_- up a hill, down in the water, up a hill, down in the water, up a hill, down in the rocks I mean water. Rinse and repeat with more rocks and muddy water that you can’t see through.

16. Underwater tunnels – Last year was a joke – this year, not so much. Telephone poles laid over a narrow 50 yard moat full of muddy water. Over the first pole, under the next. As you go on the ones you go over get higher and the ones you go under get lower. With the last pole you went under you were completely submerged in thick muddy mess. I’m still getting leaves out of my ears.

17. The Funky Monkey – 28 monkey bars over a moat filled with water, hay and a tarp? Maybe the tarp was meant to keep the water in the moat or something, but it floated up and made it kind of a mess. the guy in front of me fell and something snapped. several people had to help him out and he was in bad shape. not really able to put any weight on his right foot. Note to self – don’t go near the edge. I stepped up the center bars and grasped tightly. I released my grip and retreated for a moment to let some confident athletic people go. I stepped back up and grasped again. this time the first and second rung.

I hung for a moment and retreated once more. I was nervous and sure i was about to fall to my death, or at least fall to the end of my race in my own bone popping mess.

I stood there and contemplated what was worse – jumping in the water and not trying or trying and failing. The thought of success never crossed my mind.

Back up on the ramp for the third time. I rubbed my hands on the wood to get them as dry as possible. and started the long trek.
keep moving, don’t stop, don’t look down, don’t stop, keep moving, don’t look down, keep moving – I’m in the middle – don’t look down, keep moving, don’t stop, ok, I’m going to look down. there’s the edge, holy shit I think I’m going to make it. My arms are burning, my hands are covered in grease, but I’m going to freakin make it. one more. and my foot reaches!!!!!!

I could not believe it. I made it. Water station ahead. I cheered and told anyone that would listen about making it. I felt like a kid doing the monkey bars for the first time. I only wish my teammates or family were there with me.

18. Greased Lighting – look at mile one

19. Kiss of Mud – hands, knees and belly through 30 yards of mud and rocks with barbed wire catching on your shorts. I was not having fun. Really wishing I remembered my gloves.

20. Fire Walker – A Lot smokier than last year. I couldn’t see, my lungs were full of smoke. It’s Bad Ass to run through fire.
More Running. Up and Down and Up and Down the mountain. People everywhere wishing for the end. The mountain was winning. My quads were cramping on me on the uphills and my knees were shot on the downhill. The only thing keeping me going was thinking of the food that was waiting for me at the end. I could eat a cow.

21. Hold your wood. I quickly perused the piles and grabbed a hunk of wood that seemed respectable. Back up the mountain. Last year I remember passing many people during this part. This year, not so much. Almost to the top. You can do it.

Just keep moving. The mountain is winning.

I put down my wood, kneeled, and contemplated life, death and how much I hated this freaking log. Several people asked if I was OK as tears trickled down my muddy cheek.

“I’m fine”

I gathered all the energy that remained and somehow managed to stand back up. Keep. On. Going. As I was descending back towards the log pile I was passed by a young lady carrying a piece of tree that made my log look like a twig.

She was kicking ass and taking names. Everyone was cheering her on and 2nd guessing the size of their ‘wood’.

22. Spider’s Web – up and over – they call it cargo net, but it’s more like rope bridge material. Was tangled and twisty.

22.5 – A Frame – Teamwork is key on this one. As well as long lines. Many people skipping this obstacle. I helped a few people up. Next a few people helped me. Good teamwork obstacle, just watch the splinters in your ass on the way down.

23. – Turd’s Nest – rope bridge? Long lines again. I skipped it. The obstacle looked really easy and didn’t want to be in line for another 20 minutes. Call me Harry Potter.

24 – Hay Bale Pyramid – up and over – I was halfway up and stuck behind someone. They asked if I needed help. It kind of cracked me up. I just asked her to move her foot so I could keep going.

25 – Electro Shock Therapy – The mountain has kicked your ass all day. You’ve got nothing left. You’ve climbed, jumped, ducked, crawled, cried and kept going. Now for your reward you get 30 feet of hanging wires charged with 10,000 volts. There was nobody in front of me and nobody behind. I don’t know when I got separation from the crowd but several hundred people were waiting to watch me get lit up.

I yelled and started running.

5 feet in and I hit my first shock. My left leg shot up to my chest.

Holy shit, they weren’t lying. WTF! OUCH! My right arm. F*&#!!! My left shoulder.

I screamed like a little girl as I skipped and jumped through the live wires.

It was over. I laid on the grass for a moment, when I realized I hadn’t crossed the finish line yet. I got back up and trudged on down the hill. I tried to run, but my left leg refused.

There was no triumphant run across the finish line; actually the finish line was a literal line. I had to stand in it for another 15 minutes before crossing the line and getting my rewards for all this pain – My ‘Free’ T-Shirt, Headband and Dos XX.

Wounded Warrior Project
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Wounded Warrior Project
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